This is a post that I’ve been wanting to write for a long time, it was actually one of the main reasons I wanted to start a blog. However, I always felt like I was too close and it was too personal; I feared I would be writing a mainly hate-fueled post, rather than sharing anything useful. However, now that we are past the first year and things have improved, in every sense of the word, I feel like I can take a step back and write this from a perspective that is not that of an angry parent.
It’s true, sometimes people just don’t know what to say when it comes to any uncomfortable situations. But honest to god, do people not know what it means to have a premature child? As someone who has probably heard it all, here are some things I heard over the course of the first year of life (some I still hear) and I recommend you abso-freakin-lutely do not bring up during conversation with a preemie parent:
- You’re so lucky you didn’t have to deal with the last 2 months of pregnancy, those are the worst – Holy hell. Why didn’t I think of this one myself? What a positive spin on an otherwise terrible experience. Because I , for one, would MUCH RATHER spend those last couple of months (and often times longer for many parents) watching my child struggle in a tiny box. Are you even serious with this stupidity? Yes, I didn’t experience those last two months of pregnancy, but I would do ANYTHING to let my child continue growing inside of me, rather than trying to make it on her own so quickly. Just don’t.
- She really is starting to look more normal – OK, first of all, she has looked “normal” to me all along. Maybe your mama never taught you, though, so I’ll tell you one golden rule: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” OK – now take that and apply it to everything on this list.
- What did you do wrong – Oh my goodness, thanks for asking. Where do I even begin? Well I smoked crack everyday, I started doing heavy lifting, and I ate raw hot dogs for dinner everynight. Um, nope. I can tell you, without being asked this question, I already felt like the biggest failure as a mom. I wasn’t able to carry my child until full term. I had enough guilt of my own without being asked this question.
- At least you can sleep while the baby is in the hospital – Just because I didn’t have a newborn crying all through the night while I tried to sleep, that does NOT mean that I slept peacefully. Do you honestly think that it is easy to sleep while your child lays in a NICU? It’s always a question whether your child is OK and whether they are being taken care of, not to mention the countless hours I would spend in the middle of the night trying to pump milk.
- Is your baby going to make it – This one goes without explanation. My heart hurts just typing that. How dare you even ASK that question?
- Don’t be so paranoid about germs – Well let’s just hit this one from a straight-up scientific standpoint. A child/person who cannot physically fight off illness, due to a low immune system, should NOT be exposed to germs. When I brought my baby home, at only 5 pounds, her tiny little body didn’t have the means to combat illness. It was actually a necessity, rather than paranoia, that I keep her away from germs.
- I hope you don’t plan on having more children – Here is one that I have been getting quite a bit lately. This one is actually really tough. While it is true that having a pre-term baby is a risk factor for having another one, not every mom who has a preemie will go early the second/third/fourth time around. This is a very sensitive subject and the decision should be made between the mom, dad, and a healthcare professional.
- When will she catch up – How does one even answer this question? How can I predict when she will reach her milestones? Can you look into your crystal ball and tell me when your full-term baby will be crawling, walking, talking, etc? No? Huh…isn’t that something. Also, don’t compare what your year old is/was doing at my kids age. Every child is different, preemie or otherwise.
- I know exactly what you are going through – I heard this on several different occasions. And while I understand that people were trying to make me feel like I wasn’t alone, I never really felt like anyone really KNEW what I was going through. Every persons situation is different. I know alot of people have had it alot worse than we did and some that didn’t have it quite as bad. One of the times that I heard this that made me especially angry was when I was out to lunch with a dear friend and one of the wait staff asked how old Arabella was. When I told him and he looked shocked, which prompted the whole “yeah, she’s small for her age because she was born 2 months early” he responded with a “Oh, I know exactly what that is like, my daughter was born two WEEKS early.” Just stop. I could have stabbed him,
notreally. - I would never be able to do that – This one actually doesn’t bother me like it did in the beginning because now I’m able to see that this was probably just peoples way of telling me how strong I was. But in the moment it felt to me that they were saying I had an option in the whole ordeal. I never in a million years thought I would have to face something like this head on. I would have been the person saying “I would never be able to do that,” but the truth is, in the moment, you learn that you can. And you will. Because there is NOTHING more important than that child that needs you.
Is there anything, that I missed, that you have heard and wish you hadn’t?
xo, Jess
My daughter Sofia was born at 29 weeks and spent six weeks in the NICU. I laughed when I read this blog because I think I heard every single one of these comments at least once. (By the way, my daughter is a healthy sixteen year old honor student now.) Your daughter Arabella is adorable, keep posting those photos.
All you can do is laugh, Giovina. It would be so much easier to let these comments get us down, but we have to take a step back and realize that they probably weren’t said to be mean spirited. Unfortunately, many people just don’t know any better.
Thank you so much for reading and for the kind comments! I’m also glad to hear that your daughter is doing so great!
No this is one i had to here… The lady asked me, “Well how is your daughter doing”, I replied, “she’s doing great”, she comes back and say “well that’s good cause I see a lot of those babies and lot of times they don’t make it.” And my daughter passed 2 weeks later!!! I could’ve have jumped on her a**!!
Oh, Tiffany! This is awful, my heart aches for you. There are no words for myself, or anyone else, to say that could make this pain any less severe. I really wish people would think before they speak and realize how much of an impact those words will carry long after they are said. Prayers and love for you and your family!
Sorry for your loss! Rip
I had a coworker ask me if it wasn’t awfully expensive. This was pretty bad. As if I was wasting healthcare resources.
What I would have liked my response to have been for a lot of things people asked is:
Why don’t you worry less about my life and more about your own?
Everyone seems to have an opinion when it comes to anybody’s life, other than their own. Because you clearly didn’t have enough to worry about without her two cents…
I had someone say ” well must have been really easy to deliver such a small baby, I bet you didn’t even need any stitches! Your lucky!” I just responded, I had a c section dumb ass! “. I totally agree with this list and heard all these comments many times while my 24 weeker spent 5 long months in the hospital
::facepalm:: Wouldn’t it have felt good to say, “Oh yes, the baby literally just shot out, I don’t have any marks at all!” And people using the word “lucky” to describe any part of being a preemie parent, drives me WILD! Love and well wishes that your little one is doing fabulous!
This is so true my daughter was born at 28 weeks and 5 days and I’ve heard all of these.
Thanks for reading, Brehan! I’m sorry you’ve heard all of these same things, but I think it helps when us preemie parents stick together and share stories, it always makes me feel like I’m not so alone.
I have to admit, there is one, No. 8, that I would be tempted to ask. So thanks for pointing this out. Babies don’t all develop at the same rate, even the full term babies. And, let’s face it – preemies have a tough fight on their hands just to catch up!
It’s hard because I know a few of these things are only said with good intention, but in the moment it doesn’t feel that way. When your baby is struggling to reach particular milestones, preemie or not, the parent most likely knows it and I think it always feels like a punch to the gut when I am reminded. Thanks for reading!
My nephew was a preemie and hasnt yet actaully reached the height and weight. Of a “normal” 3 year old but he was way ahead in the milestones. He was born weighting only 4lbs and 4ozs. The day i met him and touched his little hand my heart melted. He was a gidt from above for sure. My sister ended up having another baby about a year or two years later and he was perfectly healthy and born on time. The first pregnancy was early only because her blood pressure wouldnt go down and it put destress on him so the doctors decided it was time for an emergency csection and i cried so hard that night. I feared for my nephew but he has not let being a preemie bring him down at all. He is so smart now and i am so proud.
I had my baby at 24 weeks. He has yet to come home. My biggest annoyance is when people ask “When is he coming home?”. Like I just know a date. Boils my freaking blood.
Oh no, K1MB0! Isn’t it terrible, I cannot recount how many times I was asked that. As you probably can relate, if I knew a freakin date I would have been parading around with it posted on my forehead! I wish you the best with your little one, love and prayers!
Oh kim how sorry I am asking it but I love you and that little guy you are an amazing mom give him loves for me
Oh. How I hate that question. Some if my friends thought my son was already home. They just assumed In didn’t tell them…really!!?? He has been in the NICU almost 6mos.
The one that really got to me was when my baby girl was 5 days old born at 26 weeks, my Aunt had the nerve to tell me to stop mobbing around there was no reason for it, because the baby was being taken care of. I lost all respect for her that Christmas morning. I can now say she is a happy healthy 11 yr old
Oh gosh, Maria! People are either delusional or they actually believe those type of comments are useful! I had a few similar scenarios when people would tell my husband and I to go out and have “fun” because we had “all kinds of people” taking care of our baby in the NICU. I’m so happy to hear about your daughter, as well! Much love to you and your family!
My 29 weeker was pretty poorly and needed a heart operation, my mother in law said to me that she had taped a programme on stillborn babies to make me appreciate how lucky I was to have my son!
There are no words, Vicki. I commend you for not attacking her for saying that (assuming that you didn’t) I find it so hard to believe that someone would think it was OK to say that, that’s so horrifying!
I did want to but thankfully I didn’t! It’s the hardest thing in the world to sit and watch our children through a plastic box and people are just so insensitive and think it’s ok to say the most ridiculous things. After I had given birth (less than 24 hours) she pointed towards my tummy and goes you sure your not still pregnant! Lovely lady ha! If I had a pound for every stupid comment I’d be an extremely rich lady. Arabella is absolutely delightful, you must be super proud. We were chosen to be parents of preemie’s and I feel so lucky to watch my little miracle each and everyday. X your blog is fab by the way. Xx
Thank you!
Oh my. I might if had to be put in retains to stop me from putting my hands around her neck. I am so sorry that even happen.
Yes I’ve heard all of these. My son was born at 28 weeks. Spent 2 months in the NICU. One of the worst moments for me was when a new NICU nurse said to me “as you may know your son is tiny. You can not touch or hold him.” This drove me crazy! I understand she was just trying to do her job but if she would have read all the notes from doctors and other nurses she would have known that I was there every morning for rounds, only left to eat and sleep at night, had already held him and did kangaroo care, bathed him, held his hands etc. And that I knew just how tiny he was and that I too wanted him to grow so I did not hold nor touch him 24/7. I had a new nurse later that afternoon. I also had a nurse tell me to bottle feed my breastmilk instead of working on latching on. This was very upsetting to me, I know why now, it was a bonding thing! Bless all of you and your babies!
It was always very frustrating for my husband and myself that every nurse seemed to tell us the opposite of what we had already heard. It’s a very difficult situation when total strangers are telling you how to handle YOUR baby. Of course they are trying to do what is right, but sometimes they come off as a little insensitive. Thanks for sharing your experience; much love!
Heard every one of them plus some. Daughter was born at 26wks and I was in NICU for 48 days straight with her til she was OK enough for me to work part time. People have no idea how to shut up. I sti hear them all and she is 18month and weighs 23pounds. She was born 1# 8.5 oz and people never have anything nice to say. They don’t speak before they talk.
They don’t think before they speak…
So true, Sherrie! I still hear a lot of crazy things but I’m trying to learn not to let them get to me too much. It’s hard but I would rather not waste my energy on big mouths. I’m glad to hear your little babes has come so far! Much love!
At the time i my lo was in the hospital i got told to suck it up hes in the best place possible and to just keep praying just keep praying like ok what do you think I’ve been doing since the day i conceived and even more when i knew i was in labor at 35wks i know they just meant well but at the time it really grinded my gears
Yes, I hear you, Sasha! Thanks for sharing!
I couldn’t even begin to imagine what you amazing ladies went through, just know you are truly amazing women who are strong and beautiful and those babies have some amazing mothers prayers to every one of you
Thanks, Laurie! See, this is the type of thing us preemie parents need to hear. It warms my heart, and I’m sure these other mommas hearts, to hear your kind words. Thank you!
I had preemie twins.(2 1/2 months early) One died. I heard all of the statements mentioned. I must add one more….At least you have one more baby. Now 37 years later, my daughter owns a beauty salon and is excellent at styling hair.
That is so insensitive and it blows my mind that anyone would deem that as an appropriate thing to say. Love to you and your family and cheers to your “little ones” success!
THANK YOU for being brave enough to write honestly, and loving enough to ensure the message could be heard not through anger. AMEN, sister! I’d add one more, I guess it goes along with #1, but the, “You never even looked pregnant” or “You don’t look like you had a baby” get me every time…I’m pretty sure I’d be happy to carry around an extra 10, 15, 20 pounds the rest of my life to have not had to watch my 1lb-miracle struggle the last 10 months!
Thank you, Cami, for the kind words and also for reading! And I agree 100% with that one! I would have been 41 weeks HUGE if it meant my babes would have been born healthy. I already felt like I failed at being pregnant, it didn’t help to hear that I didn’t look like I ever was.
Oh my gosh! !! I never thought about that! I had only gained technically 1lb. I am a type 1 diabetic so when I got pregnant I was put on an insulin pump. I had lost 15 lbs from it, they were getting kind of concerned, but he was still growing (slightly smaller then he should’ve but still healthy).I had only gained 16 throughput the pregnancy, so I was very tiny. I looked like I had just ate a big dinner, even at 7 months. Every time I mentioned I was pregnant I would get the “well where’s the baby” Oh ya know he’s just chillin in my foot today. .. I hated it! I already felt like I was doing something wrong and it was a constant reminder!
Aw wow yes heard all of these with both my boys. After my darling Jacob passed away(born at 24 weeks and fought hard for 7 weeks) I started back at work and on my first day a girl on the office told me I could borrow her ovulation test! I had no words for that! My 2nd child Max was born at 28 weeks and after 69days in hospital I got my precious boy home and a “friend” came to visit and commented on his long face 🙁 also had a few people (even medical professionals) tell me yes he looks like a preemie! That used to upset me as to me he looked perfect! Great blog xxx
Claire: I’m sure your little man is a handsome babes, people are so insensitive to make negative comments on a baby’s appearance, preemie or not. I used to hate when people said “she’s starting to look more normal” or “her eyes aren’t as swollen as they used to be” She had always been perfect to me and honestly, her appearance should have been the least of their worries. Also, prayers for your little angel in heaven. <3 Thanks for reading!
There was no explanation for the super early arrival of our 24 weeker and being constantly asked what caused his prematurity was frustrating enough but then having people say, “you must have overdone it on sthat camping trip the week before he was born” was absolutely infuriating. I had miscarried the baby before him and was taking absolutely every precaution imaginable with this one so that kind of comment was so frustrating.
My other pet peeve was the people who would tell me how stressed they had been thinking about our babe. Um, excuse me…first, you are preaching to the choir, second, I don’t need to feel guilty about your stress level due to the fact that my baby is sick so keep it to yourself, and three, please don’t spread your fear in my world; I already have enough of my own.
Oh, I know, Anger*! It gets to the point where you just want to tell people “hell, I have no clue! I did so many terrible things when I was pregnant that it’s hard to tell which one put me over the edge.” To see the look on their face if we really responded like that, huh? People need SOMETHING to blame and it’s very convenient for them to place all of the blame on poor ol’ mom, who without a doubt already has enough stress and guilt.
*btw, I know you reposted and said your real name is Ange but I really love Anger, it’s especially fitting for this post so I’m going with it 😉 Thanks for reading, much love!
Oops…my name is Ange not Anger…haha…I am really not as bitter as my autocorrect makes me sound.
The worst one I have EVER been asked. ..
“Did you stay at the hospital with him”
Like seriously? ?? No I just went through 7 months of being pregnant, 8 hours of non progressing labor, being transferred by ambulance to bower hospital, an emergency c section, and I just left him at the hospital by himself. .. that one was always the worst to me.
I wrote something similar last month, please have a read and share if you wish. People say some silly things when they have no idea about what you’ve been through. I know a lot of the time people are trying to be well meaning, doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt/annoy you. BTW I had a few people have a go at me for writing what I did because they felt I was going to stop people taking about life in the NICU!
amyferris1308
https://prematuremums.wordpress.com/
Great post, Amy! Thanks for sharing and for reading mine, as well 🙂
Don’t forget “oh, youre so lucky you get to have a baby alot longer than normal” riiiiight… Lucky me!!
By the first I had a short week maternity leave. And she already came. By the second I thought I’d take six weeks before the expected date of leave. Then I can relax with a good book on the couch. Unfortunately I had to work a few days and he already came. What now, enjoy more time with your baby? 4 weeks of uncertainty to the hospital back and forth. I is like a train that’s going on. And doesn’t stop….
A junior doctor told us a few hours after our son was born (27 weeks), “he probably doesn’t become a professor, but that is not a big deal”….honestly…
Honest to God, people can be so numb. I hope your son goes and proves them all wrong. Our miracle babies are such a blessing and they are the true definition of strength.
My little sister had a premature baby. The thing she couldnt hear was: ow look how cute the baby is!
She only thought: no my baby isnt cute, it is not done yet. It looks like an alien and we have a long road to go while we dont know if she is gonna make it or not. Luckly her daughter survived a lot of desasters. The doctors said she wouldnt make it but we are 3 years fearder and she is the most beautifull and strong girl i know.
Brenda: much love to your sister and beautiful niece! Although not fully “cooked,” I still think that preemie babies are adorable. They may not be our ideal chubby babies but they are perfect, just the same!
My little angel was born with 30 weeks and spend 7 weeks in the hospital … 5 weeks in high care an 1 medium care…. But when i read this post it was like i went back in time again.
The thing that i heard which was making me angry altough i had a emergency c section …be glad that you did not feel the pain of delivering…..( You probably should know that the anesthesia that the gave my idd not worked properly ….so i felt all of the cutting and pulling that they did.)
So that was ons thing that still makes my angry ..people who are thinking that a c section is an easy way out!!!!
My angel Jada is now 3 years and healthy…i thank god for keeping my strong at the most horrible time that we had to face then… But really people do not know what it is or means tot have a preemie..
I hear you, Daniela. It is a huge peeve of mine to have people tell me how “lucky” I am to have had a c-section. Or those that try to make you feel guilty for taking “the easy way out.” No part of my delivery felt lucky or easy. Thank you for sharing and much love you and your family!
I’d like to add:
Well at least you got to hold her the next day. Umm, I carried her for 7 1/2 mths, labored for 22 hrs and didn’t get to see or hold her until the next day at 1pm, bc she was taken to a different hospital than i was in. Then I could only hold her during specific times in the NICU so she could maintain her body heat.
Oh and cigarette smoke and preemies is not a good combination, but according to some it’s no big deal she doesn’t look preemie anymore so it shouldn’t matter!!!