Step-Motherhood: The Hardest Job

Raising kids is tough.  There is no denying that. Whether you work inside or outside the home, being a parent is a full-time job and I would argue that it is one of the toughest jobs a person can have. I would also argue that there is one job that is even more difficult: being a step-mom parent. While I cannot speak on behalf of step-dads, I don’t want to exclude them, as I don’t believe that they probably have it any easier.

This blog has been a long time in the making, as it is not something that I openly talk about. But, I figure, if I feel this way then surely someone else out there can benefit from knowing they are not alone.

1.  It’s Confusing. Not only for myself, but for everyone involved (my husband, her birthmother, friends, family, and, most importantly, HER) I know I will never be her MOTHER, even if she ever calls me “mom.”  I am extremely lucky that Natalie and I have had a great relationship, since day 1, but there is nothing like the bond between a mother and daughter and I know that we can never reach that level, nor would I want to, as that’s not fair to her birth mom.  Having a child of my own now I realize, even more than I did before, all of the bonding I missed out on with Natalie.  I wasn’t there when she came home from the hospital, I’m not the one she’s always relied on for hugs and comfort, and our love for one another has been learned, it’s not something that was built in at birth.This also means that it’s hard to step in as an authoritative figure, having not always been in Natalie’s life she hasn’t always had to listen to me.  As a matter-of-fact, when I entered the picture Natalie quickly took me in as her “best friend.”  This has been a hard role to break and getting her to take me seriously has been, and will continue to be, a work in progress.  Which leads me to my next point –
2. I was Non-Existent. For the first 5 years of Natalie’s life, I did not exist, to her anyway.  I may come off as selfish or childish by saying this but it’s difficult to always be reminded of this fact.  My dear husband and step-daughter obviously have memories together before I entered their lives.  But one of my least favorite things is when they are rehashing their past and I’m sitting there like a stranger who has no clue what they are talking about.  This is something we don’t generally have to worry about with our own children but with step-children, it’s a never-ending battle of having to endure stories of the days when you weren’t in their lives.
3. You CANNOT Complain. Arabella keeps me up all night and I call her an asshole.  She pukes/poops/snots all over me and I say I’m giving her up for adoption.  I can say these things because she’s my child and everyone think it’s funny and cute.  However, when you have a stepchild, you best NOT say these things or you are placed in the “evil stepmother” category.  This one makes absolutelynofuckingsense to me. This one only adds to the confusion of point number 1: it’s okay to complain about your FAMILY, hell it’s natural, but the instant you complain about someone elses child it’s downright nasty.  Obviously Natalie does things that frustrate me from time-to-time but I’m a lot less likely to complain about it, in fear of irking my husband off or making outsiders think I’m a royal bitch.
4. No-one Understands. Sure I have friends who are moms, but I have none that are step-moms.  I have literally nobody to talk with, about how hard it is…nobody to bitch empathize with. This falls back to #3; if I had friends who understood what it’s like to be a step-parent, they would be the perfect sounding board when I need to vent.
5. All the Other Crap. This is the category that both step-parents and separated parents have to deal with.  We have Natalie half the week; which is not only tough because we totally miss her when we don’t have her, but it’s also not easy when it comes to parenting, family activities, holidays, etc.  When Wednesday comes around it’s a game of catch-up as we try to learn what she has been up to the last few days, get back into our routine, and she tries to readjust to how we parent at our home.  I worry about the relationship that Arabella and her will have as they get older, if our schedule is going to impact it or not, how Arabella is going to handle Natalie not being with us every Christmas or Thanksgiving, and how she will deal with Natalie having two families.  I know I worry too much but these are all things that are heavy on my mind far too often.

Now, I would like to end this post by saying that all of these things that make being a step-mom so hard are all worth it.  I love seeing the smile on Natalie’s face when I see her for the first time after a few days, I love our “girl days,” and how she calls me her best friend, I love how we can laugh over nothing and I especially love watching her with her baby sister.  I wouldn’t trade any of these, even if someone told me I wouldn’t have to be a step-mom anymore.  At the end of the day, not much else matters except that we are family.

And family is everything.

xo, Jess