Elf on the Shelf: What Nightmares are Made Of

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  If they haven’t already, as soon as the turkey is cleaned from the table, most parents will begin thinking about  the holidays  Christmas (I’m not going to dance around the holiday that I celebrate…but that’s for a different post..) fast approaching; thoughts of buying gifts, trimming the tree, travels, school vacation, and the Elf on the Shelf.

That damn elf.

 Just thinking about the frigen elf makes me want to dip into the spiked eggnog. I don’t know how it works in your house but in our house, the “Elf” reappears Thanksgiving night and doesn’t leave until Christmas Eve. Natalie, our seven year old, has been asking religiously since Halloween when Jack is coming back. 

I have a several issues with the Elf on the Shelf:

1. (S)he comes in a box:  Natalie knows Jack came from the store, she helped pick him out. Even if your child didn’t have any part in purchasing their creepy new pal, tell me they don’t see boxes of them lined up at every major big box store. So if your elf moves magically like ours does every night…it doesn’t strike anyone as odd that the Elf was dead, motionless, obviously NOT at Santa’s workshop, whatever, prior to them arriving at your home?
2. It’s creepy as hell:  We check under our kids beds for monsters (Natalie doesn’t even like the cats by her bedroom door at night) but we condone the fact that a creepy, motionless elf watches them (and us) all day long, and then moves about the house at night? It gives me the heeby jeebys and I’m the one who moves the darn thing around…have you ever stared at their creepy little eyeballs?
3. They are stealing Santa’s thunder:  So I’ve been listening to Christmas music for a couple days weeks now.  Anyway, the other day on my way to work I heard “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” and it got me thinking, when did Santa stop being the one who sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake? As if Santa wasn’t a big enough lie, now we enforce a lie about tiny little STUFFED elves.  Which encourages what exactly? Be good only because there is an elf watching you? If we have to threaten our kids, in order for them to be nice, we probably aren’t sending the right message.
4. Who the hell is making the toys?:  It used to be, and to the best of my knowledge still is, that the elves make the toys. Are the toy making elves different than the stalkers who force their way into your home to spy on your children? Please someone answer this for me.
5. There are only so many places to hide an elf:  God forbid Jack ends up in the same place twice. But geeeez, how many different places can he hide? Once you run out of places, you have to start getting more creative. Have you seen all of the ideas on Pinterest? (marshmallow hot tub with Barbie, anyone?) I certainly don’t have time to put these things together…let alone clean up the mess. It’s a chore just to remember to move him at night. There’s no feeling like getting all cozy in bed only to realize you forgot to move the Elf.
6. It’s all a money scam:  Have you been to the stores lately? You can now buy clothes, (which my husband felt we just HAD to have) and pets for your elf. For what? You can’t touch your elf or it “loses its magic.” So we buy $30 elves and, because that’s not enough money, we then buy them clothes and pet reindeer…none of which the kid can EVER touch.  Pointless.  As if we do not spend enough money and time during this time of year on gifts, parties, travel, decorations, cooking and baking, etc. Not to mention, the box claims it’s a “tradition,” I’m pretty sure it wasn’t in most homes up until 5 years ago.  I would hardly call that a tradition.
7. You CAN’T not participate:  You may be asking why on earth we even have an elf, if I hate them so passionately. Well, go to any elementary school and listen to the kids talk about their elves. How do you explain to your kid(s) that “sorry, I know all your classmates have an elf but this family doesn’t.” That conversation wouldn’t end well.

So yes, tomorrow night Jack will reappear at our house and Natalie will find him Friday morning, donning a lovely new sweater. We’ll move him around the house every night and he’ll probably bring her a couple small gifts over the course of the month he’s there. I’ll give him dirty looks whenever nobody is looking and I’ll probably curse him out a few times. Damn you, Jack.

PS Did I mention Natalie is already asking when we can get another elf for her baby sister? Oye…

xo, Jess