Dear Love: Mommy’s Scared Too

This past week Arabella had her four month check-up, complete with three shots. At her two month appointment, I was pleasantly surprised at how few tears were shed after she received her vaccinations. However, fast forward a couple months and she was like a different baby, I didn’t think the screams and tears were ever going to stop.  I’m not sure if the first time around it was because we were newly out of the NICU, where she had grown accustomed to being poked, pricked, and prodded, so she was used to it.  Or maybe this is just normal for babies..as they become more in tune with their surroundings.  Regardless, the look of terror on her face after that initial shot (which was followed by two more) made me realize this is only the beginning of having to comfort my precious child.  Comforting your vulnerable baby in these moments tends to bring out our own vulnerabilities.  At least in my case.

So I want you to know, Arabella, it’s ok to be scared; mommy is too. Since the moment I first laid eyes on you, a tiny 3 lb baby, fighting for her life, I knew I was going to be scared:

• I was scared I would never get to hold you
• I was scared you would never feel how much you’re truly loved
• I was scared every time they had to do another procedure on your fragile little body
• When I could hold you, I was scared I was going to hurt you
• I was scared each time I had to leave you at night.  I didn’t want you to be alone
• I was scared that all of the contraptions on your face were going to hurt you (the nurses assured me that they didn’t bother you)
• I was scared to change your diaper in the incubator, through the tiny little arm slots
• The first time I fed you was terrifying
• I was so excited when we found out we could finally take you home, after 5 weeks. But, I was scared then too.

The scares haven’t stopped since then:

• I was scared your first night home, so much that I didn’t sleep at all
• I was scared the first day your daddy went back to work and we were left at home, just the two of us
• I am scared every night we put you to bed
• I’m scared of one of us rolling over you in the middle of the night (even though you aren’t even in bed with us)
• I’m scared of driving in the snow, with you in the car, oh, this is one of my biggest nightmares
• I’m scared every moment I’m not with you
• I’m scared every moment I am with you
• I’m scared I am going to fail you as a mother
• I’m scared you’re going to grow up never knowing exactly how special you really are
• I’m scared of what society is going to teach you
• I’m scared you won’t love yourself
• I’m scared someday we are going to get into an argument and you are going to tell me you hate me (and you’ll break my heart)

My tiny soldier and I.

Point is, I love you, my darling.  I want you to know it’s ok to be scared.  Our fears are what drives us to be better individuals and to accomplish the impossible.  You are proof of that. ♥

xo, Mom