I took a vacation the other night and it was beyond amazing. It was better than Disneyworld…there were no swarms of children. It was like being on a tropical island; I was so relaxed and there were So.Many.Colors. I was going to keep my new favorite getaway a secret, so I can continue to enjoy these little “me” moments but I would be doing a huge injustice to all of the other mommy’s of the world. The best place to vacation? The grocery store. The key? Without kids.
Let’s just do a quick run down of the difference of grocery shopping with and without kids, shall we?
With Kids
- Begrudgingly get them out of the house, with two different cups, toys, and their favorite book
- Despite their arched back and scream in protest, get them buckled into carseat
- Hand them cup of milk
- Realize you forgot your wallet in house
- Retrieve wallet
- Get in car
- Toddler screams at you from back seat
- Throws cup of milk
- Milk splashes all over backseat
- Retrieve cup and put it in front seat, out of demon child’s reach
- Toddler screams
- Try to reason with toddler, with coos and happy voices
- Toddler screams louder
- You turn up radio
- Arrive at grocery store
- Go to get child out, realize she has taken both shoes AND socks off
- Redress child
- Wipe tears and snot off toddlers face
- Feeling good, ready to go
- Sanitize ENTIRE shopping cart
- Despite their arched back and scream and protest, get them buckled in shopping cart
- Immediately witness child putting mouth all over cart (try to remember if you sanitized)
- Entirely grossed out – shriek at them to stop, at once
- Dodge glares from other patrons, before you even begin shopping
- Hand child keys, wallet, and phone in a sad attempt to distract them
- Child seemingly falls for trickery and you make a mad dash to get everything you need before they realize it was a trap
- They realize it was a trap
- Keys, wallet and phone get thrown on floor
- Child is apparently a contortionist? They show off their ability to fold, twist and bend body to turn completely around in cart
- Reposition them
- They cry to get down
- They cry to be held
- You give them a box of brownie mix in a desperate attempt to reclaim this failed shopping trip
- They laugh and play with brownie mix; you feel like a god damn champion
- They spot older children running around store
- Brownie mix is now on floor
- Child is now screaming
- You pick the spawn of satan up and push cart, one handed to pick up whatever else you need
- You don’t even remember what you need because you’re so flustered
- Get kicked in ribs
- Hair is yanked
- Child attempts to climb UP your body
- They notice brownie mix out of the corner of their eye, interest is resparked
- They NEED brownie mix
- You find shortest checkout line, bouncing up and down with child and brownie mix
- Tell cashier they will have to scan brownie mix with child holding it, there is no way you’re taking it away
- Attempt to use card machine, while child attempts to push every button on card machine
- Sprint out of store
- Despite their arched back and scream in protest, get them buckled into carseat
- Listen to them scream cry the whole way home
- Unload car (bags, child, diaper bag, purse, socks and shoes)
- Go to put groceries away and realize you came home with only potatoes, brownie mix, some yogurt, and a bottle of wine that you have no recollection of grabbing
WITHOUT KIDS
- Jump in car
- Listen to the music “with swears”
- Arrive at grocery store
- Walk, like a boss, across the parking lot – sans kids
- Grab cart, or basket, or both…doesn’t matter, you feel like you suddenly have too many arms and hands (what do you do with them?)
- Did you know there were so many different kinds of apples? No, me neither
- Walk down every single aisle, some aisles twice
- Look at nutritional info on items
- Feel a moment of pity for the mom with the screaming toddler
- Silently thank god you’re not that mom
- You actually remember everything you need at home (paper towels, toilet paper, milk, etc – check check check check)
- Hop in the nearest checkout line, let the lady with only a couple items go ahead of you
- Text your husband while you wait in line “How is everything at home?”
- He doesn’t answer…the kids probably have him tied up
- You smile
- Pay
- Drive home and realize how much you miss the little devil
- Greeted, at top of stairs, with a toothy grin and open arms by your favorite tiny human
- You remember why you bring her everywhere and that being a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to you
So while shopping by myself was a hell of a lot easier, and I guarantee you I am already planning my next vacation to the grocery store, I wouldn’t trade any of the chaos for the world. Because just as in life, vacations are best in moderation.
xo, Jess
